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Friday, October 28, 2011

The Balance of the Brain




cool pic ( hint: this is not political ;) .... we need both sides of the brain to really discover truth and  enjoy life in my opinion :)










The text for the left brain reads:

“I am the left brain. I am a scientist. A mathematician. I love the familiar. I categorize. I am accurate. Linear. Analytical. Strategic. I am practical. Always in control. A master of words and language. Realistic. I calculate equations and play with numbers. I am order. I am logic. I know exactly who I am.”

And for the right brain:

“I am the right brain. I am creativity. A free spirit. I am passion. Yearning. Sensuality. I am the sound of roaring laughter. I am taste. The feeling of sand beneath bare feat. I am movement. Vivid colors. I am the urge to paint on an empty canvas. I am boundless imagination. Art. Poetry. I sense. I feel. I am everything I wanted to be.”

Napoleon's Theology

After getting over the idea that he was god, Napoleon had the following revelation as quoted from Ravi Zacharias in his book "Jesus among other gods".....




Napoleon expressed the following thoughts while he was exiled on the rock of St. Helena. 

There, the conqueror of civilized Europe had time to reflect on the measure of his accomplishments. He called Count Montholon to his side and asked him, "Can you tell me who Jesus Christ was?" The count declined to respond. Napoleon countered:

" Well then, I will tell you. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne and I myself have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force. Jesus alone founded His empire upon love, and to this very day millions will die for Him. . . . I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you, all these were men, and I am a man; none else is like Him: Jesus Christ was more than a man. . . . I have inspired multitudes with such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me . . . but to do this is was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, my words, of my voice. When I saw men and spoke to them, I lightened up the flame of self-devotion in their hearts. . . . Christ alone has succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the unseen, that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space. Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, Jesus Christ makes a demand which is beyond all others difficult to satisfy; He asks for that which a philosopher may often seek in vain at the hands of his friends, or a father of his children, or a bride of her spouse, or a man of his brother. He asks for the human heart; He will have it entirely to Himself. He demands it unconditionally; and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with all its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerely believe in Him, experience that remarkable, supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is unaccountable; it is altogether beyond the scope of man's creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength nor put a limit to its range. This is it, which strikes me most; I have often thought of it. This it is which proves to me quite convincingly the Divinity of Jesus Christ. "

taken from the book  "Jesus among other gods"

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bono's Theology






An excerpt from an interview with Bono of the band U2 - you may not like his music, you may not agree with his lifestyle but I thought this was worth sharing.. ( still can't get past the swearing ;)



Bono: ... It's a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma.

Assayas: I haven't heard you talk about that.

Bono: I really believe we've moved out of the realm of Karma into one of Grace.

Assayas: Well, that doesn't make it clearer for me.

Bono: You see, at the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It's clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I'm absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that "as you reap, so you will sow" stuff **( my note, that verse still applies to the practice of a Christian but their entrance into Heaven is not dependent on it). Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff.

Assayas: I'd be interested to hear that.

Bono: That's between me and God. But I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep s---. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity.

Assayas: The Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. I wish I could believe in that.

Bono: But I love the idea of the Sacrificial Lamb. I love the idea that God says: Look, you cretins, there are certain results to the way we are, to selfishness, and there's a mortality as part of your very sinful nature, and, let's face it, you're not living a very good life, are you? There are consequences to actions. The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death. That's the point. It should keep us humbled… . It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of heaven.

Assayas: That's a great idea, no denying it. Such great hope is wonderful, even though it's close to lunacy, in my view. Christ has his rank among the world's great thinkers. But Son of God, isn't that farfetched?

Bono: No, it's not farfetched to me. Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: he was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says: No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: "I'm the Messiah." I'm saying: "I am God incarnate." And people say: No, no, please, just be a prophet. A prophet, we can take. You're a bit eccentric. We've had John the Baptist eating locusts and wild honey, we can handle that. But don't mention the "M" word! Because, you know, we're gonna have to crucify you. And he goes: No, no. I know you're expecting me to come back with an army, and set you free from these creeps, but actually I am the Messiah. At this point, everyone starts staring at their shoes, and says: Oh, my God, he's gonna keep saying this. So what you're left with is: either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase......This man was like some of the people we've been talking about earlier. This man ..... had "King of the Jews" on his head, and, as they were putting him up on the Cross, was going: OK, martyrdom, here we go. Bring on the pain! I can take it. I'm not joking here. The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me, that's farfetched …

From:
Bono: In Conversation with Michka Assayas (Riverhead Books)








                                        Mat 16:13When Jesus came into the region of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, saying, "Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?"

Mat 16:14So they said, "Some [say] John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets."

Mat 16:15He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?"

Mat 16:16Simon Peter answered and said, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
Mat 16:17Jesus answered and said to him, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed [this] to you, but My Father who is in heaven.




Monday, October 24, 2011

A Flying Car - Legacy of Nate & Steve Saint



http://eaavideo.org/video.aspx?v=635469588001


Remember Nate Saint - the missionary who was murdered by the amazon tribe he was trying to minister to?

This is his son and what looks to be an amazing invention to help more remote peoples get medical treatment and of course , the Gospel...

Must watch for anyone interested in aviation or human rights and aid!


October 13, 2010 - Steve Saint of I-TEC drove his road-legal flying car from Florida to Oshkosh this summer. Since then the FAA has also issued the Maverick a S-LSA aircraft airworthiness certificate. I-TEC hopes to be in production by EAA Oshkosh 2011.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

How the Gospel Overcomes Racism - Video



Wow, this is a really unique look at racism from a white man born into a Christian family in the deep south.... who thought segregation was right. As he grew to understand the realities of the Gospel and not just "church" or "religion" or "tradition" , his heart changed.... 




http://theresurgence.com/2011/10/22/how-the-gospel-overcomes-racism



Rev 14:6 Then I saw another angel flying in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel to preach to those who dwell on the earth--to every nation, tribe, tongue, and people--


Rev 14:7 saying with a loud voice, "Fear God and give glory to Him, for the hour of His judgment has come; and worship Him who made heaven and earth, the sea and springs of water."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Don't Give Up




Phl 1:6...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;



1Th 5:23-24Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
                                               He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

On the Sacredness of Marriage



 Let me begin by saying this "artiblog" ( article + blog ?) is not  about ranting about homosexuality, polygamy or divorce so much as it is about re-enforcing and understanding the reasons behind  the definition of marriage as found in the Bible and throughout history.

The definition not just of what the family unit looks like but also what it means and why it is so important.

What I would really like to do  is to look at a certain cornerstone-type phrase that is repeated three distinct times in the Bible.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”

 This  declaration occurs:

> First at the very beginning of time (Genesis).

> It is re-iterated and validated again by Jesus Christ  (Matthew, Mark)

> And finally, in the great passage on marriage by the Apostle Paul (Ephesians), it is used again to to not only confirm the standard but also to bring life and meaning to this particular relationship.  

These instances in the context of their passages are found near the end of the post.

*(It is also referenced in 1 Corinthians 6:16)



“Traditional Marriage”  as defined by Webster’s today is

(1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law

Webster’s has other definitions of course of modern adaptations such as Common-law and Same Sex.

Polygamy has not made it in yet.

I readily acknowledge that there are many “traditional” marriages that are broken and ugly – full of hurt and hate and hypocrisy . 

I understand that there are many single parents, divorcees and various peoples in love who may or may not be in their situation due to their own actions – and even if they are there due to their own actions, I am most certainly NOT here to personally judge.

I know that my marriage is an awesome but always vulnerable thing.  It takes hard work and selflessness and neither me nor my wife have this all figured out – far from it.  It  is only the grace of God that keeps things surviving…. and leads us to the ideal of marriage – when its thriving.

As for some reasons for this standard outside the Bible?

Not to be too vulgar, but we cannot ignore the natural biology and anatomy of the human race.

Then there is the fact that history tells us that the “traditional” marriage and thus the family unit has been the corner stone of pretty much every successful society and civilization.  ( note – I am very aware of the polygamy practiced in the Old Testament and history– I have addressed it a bit below )

Nor can we really deny the effect that broken homes have had on all members of the family – its hard, it hurts and it can develop into a generational cycle.

We are all broken in some way or other - even those who appear to be in "socially" or "church" acceptable relationships . But all situations can, I believe, be redeemed and reconciled by Jesus Christ.

Let's go back to that cornerstone statement though:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”

A quick look at the word “joined”

Hebrew:   dabaq

1) to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to, overtake, catch


Greek:   proskollaō
1) to glue upon, glue to
2) to join one's self to closely, cleave to, stick to

My friend Larry who is both a Pastor and a life long Contractor gave a compelling illustration of that word the other day .

He spoke of when he used a proper adhesive glue when “joining” two boards together and letting them cure.   If he tried to take those  two pieces of wood apart after that, it was near impossible – but if he did succeed then both boards would be splintered and broken.

Such is the marriage bond.

Let me just re-iterate here , I realize people from all kinds of situations and backgrounds may be reading this – and I’m not here to make you feel worse then you may already.  I'm a broken man in constant need of the grace of God and I'm not here to personaly judge you.

 There is forgiveness and redemption available in all situations and God loves you and understands you – but it doesn’t change His definition of marriage.

Following are the three passages of Scripture I spoke of earlier.  Skim them if you need too but I would suggesting reading them through  if at all possible.

 There is more commentary below as well that is tantamount to the full purpose of this post...


The Beginning

Gen 2:20 So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.
Gen 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
Gen 2:22 Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
Gen 2:23 And Adam said: "This [is] now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man."
Gen 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Gen 2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.



Jesus Christ

Mat 19:3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for [just] any reason?"
Mat 19:4
And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at 
the beginning 'made them male and female,' 

Mat 19:5 "and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and 
the two shall become one flesh'?
Mat 19:6 "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
Mat 19:7 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"
Mat 19:8 He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives,
but from the beginning it was not so.
Mat 19:9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,  and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."





 The Great Marriage Passage

Eph 5:21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
Eph 5:24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in everything.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
Eph 5:26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
Eph 5:29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord [does] the church.
Eph 5:30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.
Eph 5:31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
Eph 5:32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife [see] that she respects [her] husband.



After looking at those passages there are a couple things to note.

One -  The Pharisees approached Jesus on the topic of marriage and He responded.  Some will say that Jesus never condemned homosexuality -  but here in this passage it is clear that He is ratifying the definition of marriage given “from the beginning” .

He is re-confirming God’s original design for marriage – 1 man, 1 woman, 1 lifetime – to the exclusion of all others.

You may be upset by this statement but its not  I who am stating it – It was first the Creator as recorded in the Old Testament and then the Lord Jesus. 

And you must realize that when Jesus says some of these hard things,  He is also full of compassion and forgiveness and help – if you want it.

Note the phrase “It was not so from the beginning”.   Moses offered a certificate of divorce* because of the hardness of their hearts – but this was not God’s original design or intention.

I think it is reasonable to conclude that the same is true of polygamy in the Old Testament– not God’s design or intention. It is certainly found no where in the New Testament.

For further examination of the topic of Old Testament polygamy please see this link:  http://www.gotquestions.org/polygamy.html

(* Note:  There are only two legitimate reasons given for divorce 
combined with re-marriage in the New Testament.  
> The death of one's spouse - Romans 7
> And the act of "sexual immorality" committed by one's spouse - Matthew 19:9)


The second thing is what I think 
people really miss. 

It is the heart and reason behind the rule.

As we read the Bible , especially that last passage from Ephesians, we realize that there is more than just the physical and temporal to marriage.

It is not designed out of thin air but rather it is a mirror of a powerful epic -  a living illustration of a human being’s very relationship to God Himself.

After repeating for the third time the great marriage design…. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

Paul goes on to say:

 “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”

You can go back and read the passage but I’ll pull one line out of it for now:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her..”

“Just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her” – this is no mom and pop just “staying together for the kid’s sake” kind of thing– this is far beyond that.

It is spiritual, it is heavenly, it is eternal.  It is talking about the very redemption of humankind.

The church is simply those people who have put their faith in Jesus as the sole Saviour of their souls.   And the church, collectively,  is likened to a Bride and Jesus, the Bridegroom.


Rev 19:7 "Let us be glad and rejoice and give Him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready."

 Rev 19:9 Then he said to me, "Write: 'Blessed [are] those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb!' " And he said to me, "These are the true sayings of God."

Marriage, like other relationships built into our physical, emotional and spiritual DNA, is meant for so much more – it is meant to give a foretaste of the overwhelming love and intimacy we can have now - and will have even more so after this life  - with our Creator.

No wonder marriage is sacred…. on so many levels.












Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Promise Story


You must must must check this site and painting out. at 7' by 27' , I've seen it in person at the Artist's home in Falkland - utterly amazing. And the story that goes with it is deeply fascinating .....


This story begins with Abraham and follows the promise through to the incarnation of Jesus Christ and beyond.


It is a thouroughly helpful Bible study as well and will give you a wonderful grasp on the "big picture" of the Bible.

Check out the full picture and story behind it here:

The Promise Story


The Promise Story

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thanking and Blaming God






One of the questions that many Christians secretly ask themselves ( and non Christians for that matter) is:

“Why is it that I am told to thank or praise God when good things happen to me but not blame God or get angry with Him when bad things happen to me?”

This is indeed a deep, sometimes complex, question. We know we should be thankful – I think all of humanity knows this on some level – but what do we do with the bad stuff in our own personal lives? Just sweep it under the rug? Blame it all on Satan?

Even if we did blame Satan for the bad things, we know that nothing happens in this world without God allowing it. Satan does not have free reign to do as he wishes – see the Book of Job. 

 Its worth noting here though , that man does have free will and many of society’s problems come from that. Bono made a good point when speaking about the recent African Famine - "You can blame God (if you want) for drought, but famine is a man made thing."

 However, today we are dealing with our own personal lives.

My dad constantly encourages us to “Thank God” or “Praise God” . While sometimes, admittedly , I find this annoying ( I love you Dad ) ,  he believes firmly that this is an extremely important part of the Christian life and living victoriously. And I believe that when my dad does decide to share advice, its definitely something worth considering.

The verse he most often references when speaking about this topic is 1 Thessalonians 5:18 which begins:

 “In everything give thanks..” 

and continues :         “… for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

I’ve heard the verse many times before ( as you may have as well). However when I thought of it in relation to the question that begins this note – the idea of praising but never blaming God – I realized it said “In everything..”

Perhaps the answer to this problem is not that we should repress all of our thoughts and feelings when bad things happen  or even just blame Satan – perhaps the secret is in this verse, this phrase,  “In everything give thanks”.

Even the bad stuff.

In this verse God is not asking me to be thankful FOR everything ( ie bad things) but He is asking me to be thankful IN everything. To me this means more of a general thankful attitude in whatever situation you find yourself in founded on your trust in God's ultimate love and goodness.

I'm definitely not trying to address the entire topic of human suffering or to over-simplify it - just looking at this particular question and verse, which is part of the whole.

I don’t have all the answers to bad things that have happened to me or my family, but I think this verse has indeed made a point…. Even in the bad stuff – give thanks to God, not because you are enjoying it but because you know and/or believe that He is using it for some purpose , perhaps known only to Him, perhaps never known to us until the day we meet Him.

 He loves to be trusted.  Even if we never find out  – it still says to give thanks in everything……

So now when I think of this question, I think not so much in terms of " being  thankful for the good but ignoring the bad". I try to think of thanking…. in both. 

Is it easy? You know the answer to that…. But it is what we are called to. And you know what? It seems to indeed be very beneficial in my daily life.

Maybe my dad is on to something…

-------------------------------------------------------------
 For a bit more on this topic see Life is hard. God is good. So what's up?

Sarah Groves - Eyes on the Prize:


“And when they had laid many stripes on them, they threw them into prison, commanding the jailer to keep them securely.
 Having received such a charge, he put them into the inner prison and fastened their feet in the stocks. But at midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to (praising) God, and the prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone's chains were loosed.”

Acts 16:23-26

“Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you;  but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.”     1 Peter 4:12-13


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Posts on Mental Illness - There is Hope in this Hub

This week is Mental Awareness Week and it has inspired me to do one post that serves as a sort of "hub" of links to all the articles and web sites that I have found helpful in my personal battle with Mental Illness and its stigma.

Please share these articles and information with people who you think could use them.

People need to talk about this issue and learn more about it - I hope this post will help you on your way to that.

Mental Illness Awareness Week

The official site

A Beautiful Mind

My personal testimony of struggling with clinical depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as a Human Being and as a Christian.  The Church can be a hard place to deal with this..

When I Understood Grace...or at least began to

The second, more spiritual side, of my testimony...

Some Practical Help When In Depression or Despair

Fundamental things I've learned the hard way...

Mental Illness and the Bible

Jesus understood mental illness

LANDSBERG: HIS DEPRESSION AND HIS FRIEND, WADE BELAK

Dealing with mental illness in the machismo area of sports and athletics.... what it took to wake us sports fans up.

Those North American Kids

Why North American kids may not have it quite as easy as we think they do...

OCD - Managing Compulsions and Obsessions

A great scientific article adapted from J.M. Schwartz "Brain Lock" - simple, effective tools to battle mental illness.

Secrets you're afraid of...

Talk... Tenth Avenue North introduces one of their powerful songs with an amazing and probably familiar type of story...

War of the Minds - Song by Flame

Probably the best ( if not only) song on the issues of  (Mental Illness)

LANDSBERG: HIS DEPRESSION AND HIS FRIEND, WADE BELAK

LANDSBERG: HIS DEPRESSION AND HIS FRIEND, WADE BELAK
Landsberg and Belak (Photo: TSN)

Original article here:
here



E-mail, texting and instant messaging all have places in our lives. But I believe I have relied too much on them, often replacing personal contact with letters and words and symbols that are like the Buckingham Palace Grenadier Guards - conveying no emotion, revealing no subtlety. They are zombies devoid of anything meaningful outside of the obvious.
How many times have you wondered while reading a text whether someone was serious or joking, sarcastic or straight? Have you ever wondered when you ask someone how they are, whether fine really means fine?
Fine written in text always looks the same, but in person, on the phone, fine can reveal so much more. I am having a tough time forgiving myself for texting Wade Belak seven days before he died and accepting his fine.
Wade was my buddy. That didn't make me unique. Wade was everyone's buddy. Even guys he fought with on the ice liked him. Even guys he scored on liked him, even if that list is pretty short. He was the definition of the big fat jolly guy without the fat. Honestly, I don't know a soul who met Wade who didn't immediately like him. He made friends the way most people pick up germs -- gathering more every time he touched someone.
I knew Wade walked with a limp. I knew it because he spoke to me about it. I have the same limp. It's how I refer to depression that doesn't disable us – even though we feel it every step of our lives.
Wade's limp, however, was worse than I knew. Seven days before he died, we chatted on e-mail. He had heard an interview I did for TSN Radio about my own depression and he had written, It was good.
I wrote back jokingly, Did you feel sorry for me, that's what I was looking for.
He responded, I thought you were a big pussy. Ha ha. Who am I to say? I've been on happy pills for 4-5 years now.
I wrote back, And how are you?
And Wade wrote back, Fine.
Fine. Ugh.
Fine. It's four letters, one word. One simple word. No means no we're told, but fine doesn't always mean fine. He wasn't fine. Seven days later he was gone.
I'm looking at my hands. I don't see any blood, but it's there. Luminol won't show it, but my conscience does.
Out, damned spot; Out I say. It's not that easy.
A Common Bond
Wade came into my life eight years ago when he first appeared on Off the Record. He and I together looked like a photo from World War II. Wade, with his huge size, chiseled features, pale skin and blond hair. And me - eight inches shorter, a million shades darker and with a large, slightly hooked nose. Well, you get the picture.
Despite our many differences, we bonded right away, a friendship based on a mutual ability to make the other laugh. Men show contempt with insults and affection with harsher insults. Wade and I had a no limit, no safe area, no boundaries and never hurt feelings. I loved him for that. And I know he felt the same way.
I'm not sure why Wade confided in me about his depression. I assume it was because I have spoken publicly about mine. Or perhaps, in the code of us depression sufferers, I was a veteran depressive and he was a rookie.
Whatever the reason or reasons, I felt blessed that he shared with me. Sharing something personal with another person is one of the greatest compliments you can give them. It says, I trust you and I feel safe with you. It also says, I know you won't judge me. Can you truly call someone a friend if you're afraid they may see you as weak?
This all made me like Wade so much more. I think we end up liking people because of their good traits. Sometimes we end up loving them because of their flaws.
I felt that I knew Wade in a different way than almost anyone else. I knew that his perma-smile was at least partially manufactured. I knew that his constant cheeriness was at least partially faked. It felt good to know this because I too, have done the same things. In that way Wade was the guy I related to perhaps better than anyone in my life. We were both good at fooling people. Like most depression sufferers we are counterfeiters in human emotion. We create fake happiness and for that reason sometimes people can't spot what's truly happening inside.
Obviously.
Tragically.
When I close my eyes and think of Wade the only memories I have are of him smiling. I can't remember anything else. Even knowing that he wasn't always smiling inwardly, doesn't change how I see him.
I see him now smiling in my hallway with his daughter Andie on his shoulders. Together they seemed to be 15 feet tall. Wade was one of those dads who couldn't put his kids down. He was always embracing them as if telling them he loved them wasn't enough.
I see him smiling and crying having eaten Armageddon chicken wings. I think I called him a big suck.
I see him smiling after my son had whipped him in NHL ‘11 (Not even Wade picked Wade).
I see his huge smile after we won a summer roller hockey championship with him in goal. He took it incredibly seriously. Who takes a pre-game nap for roller hockey?
And I see him smiling -- the last time I saw him at our kitchen table eating more pancakes than all of us combined.
When Wade and I were texting on August 24th, he inquired about the documentary I am working on, which is about celebrities with depression. He said, Are you gonna put me on?
I asked, Would you consider sharing your illness with the public. His exact words were, I don't think I would have a problem going public with it.
He added, I don't even think my parents really know.
Wade had no idea just how public he would go with his depression.
Trying to Understand
We don't know what happened to Wade a week later that saw his flame go from brilliant to extinguished in just a few hours, but we know why people usually take their own lives. People kill themselves when the fear of living another moment outweighs the fear of dying at that moment. With Wade, I believe he was struck by a tsunami of depression. In an instant he somehow went from calm to calamitous. Love for family and for life no longer made sense. Instantly one and one was no longer two.
I know what you've wondered. And don't feel bad, we've all asked the question. You're thinking it right now. Well, I will ask it for you; how does any parent choose to leave his kids? How does a guy share with me the joy of hearing his five-year old at violin lessons, and then eight days later plug his ears forever?
I don't know the answer, but I do know this; I pray that you and I won't ever figure it out. Some things you don't want to know. And some things you can't ever judge.
You don't think you know what Sept. 11 felt like on American Airlines flight 175 as it roared towards the World Trade Center, do you? So can you really say what you would have done?
You don't know what it was like to be marched to your death in Auschwitz, so can you really say what you would have done?
And you don't know what my buddy Wade Belak was thinking when it made sense to him to leave all that he loved. So can you really say what you would have done?
I sure as hell don't know, but I know this; when you're severely depressed, logic can become fallacy and fallacy can become reality.
If you know me, you know that I am a confident person. I can hear you thinking, No, he's arrogant. Fine, think what you want, but when I've been depressed that confidence is replaced by insecurity. When I've been depressed, ‘me' no longer exists. I am replaced by my own Slim Shady, and he's a guy I don't know or particularly like. He hosted 60 shows in 2008. He sucked.
So if as you read this, you're thinking, I have no idea what any of that feels like, then you're blessed. Have you ever thought, man, am I lucky not to be mentally ill? Likely not, because we seldom celebrate our normality. I'm the same. I don't celebrate having two arms and two legs but an amputee would suggest I should.
But in your mental health arrogance do not ever think for a second you can understand why Wade made the choice he did. I can't understand it, but I know this; Wade loved life as much as anyone I have ever met. His love for his wife Jen and their girls, Andie and Alex, was every bit as strong as anything any of us have ever felt. So, if depression could make him give that up - how bad must it be? And would you or I be any different?
The damn tsunami washed away all the joy and replaced it with something else. The devoted father and husband and friend who had everything to live for drowned in a sea of sadness.
Vincent Van Gogh, the genius Dutch painter whose sophisticated works changed art forever, had these simple last words explaining why he took his own life; the sadness will last forever. In general, Wade didn't believe that. But somehow, for some reason, for one moment he did.
At that horrible moment Wade, we can assume, had two rival instincts battling inside him. On one side was the survival instinct. On the other was the instinct to end his suffering. We've all felt the first; many fewer have felt the second. In Wade's case its clear which side won. Think of it this way. Suicide is what happens when the angel of death and the angel of mercy start working together.
Has Wade gone to a better place? Who knows? You may believe in the afterlife, but you don't know it exists. No one knows. But my guess is that Wade wasn't betting on heading to a better place. He just knew at that one moment there is no worse place than where he was.
Depression is not a Demon
I don't expect you to understand why Wade made the choice he made. It's tough for me to understand. But I do expect you to accept the seriousness of his disease. If you were saddened by Wade's death then here's what you owe him; you owe him the belief in his pain.
We can't see depression. We cant biopsy it. Blood tests don't show it. Neither do x-rays. Believing in depression takes faith, and surveys show that more than half of us are depressive atheists still believing somehow that depression is not a disease, but a sign of weakness. Wade wasn't weak. Neither was Churchill or Lincoln or Hemingway or your cousin or your neighbor or your son.
Depression is a disease. It's not an issue or a demon, although it may act like one. And if you want to honor Wade's memory, do it this way; never ever tell someone to snap out of it. And never ask anyone, what do you have to be depressed about? Start accepting depression as a serious and sometimes fatal illness.
Waiting for the R
My last message still sits on his smart phone and mine. After hearing a crazy rumor that my boy Wade had died, I called his cell immediately, assuming I would hear his voice and I would greet him with, So I guess this means you're not dead!
But I got no answer. My heart fell as I heard his voice mail, This is Wade -- leave a message. I didn't. What would I say? Please don't be dead? Please call me and I will come there and help you through anything.
One more hope - I texted him these words and waited.
Are you OK?
The D appeared right away. My heart began to race waiting for the R. If you don't speak the language of messenger, the D appears when the message is delivered. The R appears when the person has read it or seen it. Most of us use that to decide whether we are being ignored. But, on this day the stakes were far different. I knew that D meant death and R meant life.
Please change. Please change, I prayed. I waited. And I'm still waiting in disbelief. It never changed. The D sits there for eternity, ironically speaking volumes to me. Ironic because I began by saying text usually fails to communicate true meaning. In this case it says everything I feel.
The D sits there, a solitary symbol to me of one of the great tragedies I have felt.
D for depression.
D for the death it brought.
And D for Dear Wade, I hope now you really are fine.
Out damn spot, out I say. Not yet I fear. Maybe not ever.
Your Turn